First of all, the way that I respond to each situation and circumstance gives me a good idea of where I'm at spiritually. I know that God brings difficult circumstances to teach me something about Him and something about me. The things that I am learning about myself right now are ugly. There are times that a situation gets the best of me and the ugliness that comes out blindsides me. There are things hidden in the depths of my soul that I didn't know were there, and the trying circumstances bring them to the surface. In those moments, I feel ashamed and laid bare, but I also realize that God has shown me something else that needs refining. There was some area of my life that was hidden so deep down that extreme circumstances were the only thing that would bring it to the surface. While it scares me at first, I realize that God is reminding me of another area where I need to follow and trust Him.
The next thing I've learned through this process is that the enemy thinks I'm a threat. I don't say that out of pride or arrogance. I say that because it encourages me that I'm headed in the right direction. If I am not on the enemy's radar, then there is something wrong with my relationship with God. There are times that I realize that I will always be in a battle with the enemy, and it feels daunting. However, I also draw encouragement from it, because God has called me to this battle and believes in me. Plus, I already know who wins in the end! Now, I don't know when the end will come, but I know that God will equip me for what each day will bring. I know that I've said this before, but it bears repeating. When Job was going through his deepest struggles, his fiercest battles, he was never promised redemption. At no point did Job know that he would be restored this side of heaven. Yet, he still went against what everyone else was telling him, and trusted that God would be his supply. I am not promised that I will be redeemed or restored this side of heaven, so I must ask myself, "Is it still worth the fight?" If I'm honest, sometimes that answer is "No" because I feel so overwhelmed. However, if I look deep down, I realize that the answer is "Yes." I have already laid my cards out on the table, I have already taken the pill, I have already written the blank check, or you can use whatever cliche we've all heard. The reality is that I don't have any other choice but to keep fighting. God has brought me this far, so there's no turning back. He has never left me or forsaken me. I have to believe that He'll give me the tools I'll need to win the next battle, and the next one, and the next. Will there be wounds...absolutely! Will there be stumbles along the way...more than likely. Will there be times I want to retreat...without a doubt. Nevertheless, I must press on toward the prize of the high calling, as Paul so eloquently stated.
The third thing I am beginning to realize is that when victory comes, God will receive all the credit. Throughout my struggle, each time I try and take over the battle strategy, things begin to fall apart or circumstances worsen. Usually, I take control because I want the credit for the victory. Whenever, I allow God to work His plan, the victory usually comes quicker, and it is blatantly obvious who deserves the credit. I have realized that the toughest battles produce such a deep dependence and reliance on God that it widens my view of Him. Not only that, but, when victory comes, I can't wait to tell the story of what God did to deliver me. Many times, I just want God to deliver me from the situation that I'm experiencing. God has other plans. The only way to deepen my relationship with God is to fight for it. I can't manipulate God to get what I want or to get around what He's trying to lead me through. The only way to learn the lesson is to press on. Keep pressing on! I want all my stories to begin with, "You'll never guess what God did...."
Finally, throughout my struggle, I have realized that my prayers have changed. At the beginning of the journey, my prayers were "me" focused.
God, why is this happening to me?
God, I don't deserve this.
God, don't You care about me and my family?
However, as the struggle continued, my prayers shifted.
God, teach me Your ways.
God, help me fight well.
God, help me be focused on You and not my circumstances.
God, what do I need to die to today.
God, what attributes of Yourself do I need to cling to today
God, what tools do I need to take in to today's battle
Many of those prayers were lifted out of desperation. In those moments, I was begging God for more of Himself. I was begging for a glimpse of His glory. I was begging for the ability and endurance to fight the good fight and serve Him well. The focus turned away from me, and focused on what God was teaching me. I don't want to see my ugliness displayed. I don't want to see the nasty things I suppressed brought to light. I don't want others to know my struggle. Yet, as I read through Scripture, I see all those things displayed with people God used to make the deepest impact. I see David's adultery and murder. I see Peter's denial of Christ. I see Saul/Paul's persecution and murder of Christians, and the list goes on and on. So, what does that say about my pride that I would think that God would want to use me, but only the good parts of my life. If I truly want to be used by God and be a part of His plan, I have to realize, as Frances Chan would say, I am not the star of this movie. I am just lucky enough to have a role. I have to allow Him to use any and every part of my life and my story to bring Himself fame and glory, even the ugly parts.
Here is my landing point throughout this whole thing. God is the thread that runs throughout history, not me. My only hope is that He uses me, my struggle, and my pain to help stitch together others who feel like they are bursting at the seems, too. I pray that God uses every victory, every struggle, every pain to bring glory to Himself through encouraging others in similar circumstances. I pray He gives me the discipline to endure, the courage to fight, and the love and mercy to help others along the way.
I have loved Tenth Avenue North since I heard their first album. They are one of the few bands where I can just hit play on any of their albums and enjoy every song. Their most recent project is entitled "The Struggle." The title track has been helpful for me over the last year and a half. I hope it will encourage you, too. Here are the lyrics:
"The Struggle" by Tenth Avenue North
Verse 1
There's a wreckage, there's a fire
There's a weakness in my love
There's a hunger I can't control
Lord, I falter and I fall down
Then I hold on to chains You broke
When You came and saved my soul, saved my soul
Chorus
Hallelujah, we are free to struggle
We're not struggling to be free
Your blood bought and makes us children
Children drop your chains and sing
Verse 2
So, why, Lord, do I still fail
Do I wear thin
Why do I still give in to temptation
On my own, I am bankrupt
I don't trust You or take You at Your word
What You've promised, yeah
Bridge
Hallelujah, death is overcome and we are breathing
Hallelujah, our stone hearts become flesh that's beating
Hallelujah, chains have been undone, and we are singing
Hallelujah, the has begun, can you feel it
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