Half-Hearted Repentance vs. True Worship

Most of the time, after I sin, there is a period of feeling guilty or sorry for what I've done.  Naturally, the next step in the process is to ask God for forgiveness.  However, there are times when I ask for forgiveness knowing full well that I will probably do the same thing all over again.  I like to call these types of sins...pocket sins.  I stick them in my pocket and pull them out when I want.  Others may call them guilty pleasures, or you can fill in the blank with whatever phrase.  But, the real question that needs to be asked is, "Why hold on to those things?"

I finished up reading Ezra today and realized something...I need to learn true repentance.  Ezra demonstrated what true repentance looks like, and what I began to realize is that it looks a lot like what true worship looks like.  Here is what a picture of what true repentance looks like:

Ezra 8:23 - "So we fasted and pleaded with our God about this, and He granted our request."

While this verse is not specifically talking about repentance, it is talking about making requests to God.  And, isn't asking for forgiveness making a request?  When I read this verse, I realized that I have seldom sought God in such a way for any request, whether it was for forgiveness or something else.  Ezra took it even one step further:

Ezra 9:6,15 - "My God, I am ashamed and embarrassed to lift my face toward You, my God, because our iniquities are higher than our heads and our guilt is as high as the heavens." "Lord God of Israel, You are righteous...here we are before You with our guilt, though no one can stand in Your presence because of this."

In these chapters, Ezra is referencing the fact that the God's people directly disobeyed commands that God had given them.  So, Ezra was pleading to God for forgiveness without making any excuses.  I have come to realize that I don't like owning up to mistakes that I have made.  I tend to make excuses for my sins, when what God is asking of me is to lay it all bare before Him as Ezra did.  In other words, no qualifications, no half-hearted repentance, He just wants honesty and humility.  Ezra's example of contrition is something I need to learn from.  How often do I fast, plead and fall face down in shame and embarrassment for any of my sins?  It is a perfect example of how much I should hate the sins I commit.  I take my forgiveness for granted...almost as if I only want temporary forgiveness.  The reality is that I should despise all sin in my life and should not tolerate any aspect of it.  Unless I am willing to approach all my sins with that approach to seeking forgiveness, I don't believe I will make any headway towards blotting out my sins.  The reason I say that is because true repentance relies on God to cleanse me and take that will and desire from me.  If I don't approach my sin in this way, then I am still relying on myself and my will power to try and win these battles.

I also believe that Ezra's example shows how I need to approach God in my worship.  The more I read the Bible, the more I am beginning to realize that when people encountered God, their natural response is to fall face down in worship.  The purpose of worship, at least in my life, is to experience God in a new and fresh way.  However, if I don't truly seek repentance like Ezra did, then my worship offering to God is tainted.  Let's apply this thought to Ezra 8:23.  How often have I entered worship pleading that God speak to me in a new and fresh way?  How often to I approach worship with all my baggage in tow, not willing to give that baggage up in order to humbly approach the Throne of Grace?  The type of worship and repentance I am seeking after is exactly what Ezra is describing.  I want to lay myself bare at the foot of the cross and tell God that I'm not worthy of anything He gives me.  It is only in that broken state that God can begin to make our encounters together into something that would bring Him the most glory.  So, I say, yes, God, break down those barriers of pride and comfort in order to bring me the humility I need to approach Your throne.  Who's with me?

Purpose Behind Pain

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life.  Some of my mistakes have caused me pain, others have caused my wife pain, even friends and my own kids are affected by some of my mistakes.  Everything I go through (good or bad) affects those around me.  However, the bright side of these trials and tribulations is that I don't go through them alone.  There is also a purpose behind each one.  Although, it may take a long time for me to understand what are God's purposes .  I might also have to come to grips with the fact that I may never understand God's purpose behind my pain.  So, the question that I'm faced with is, am I willing to trust that God's purposes are more important than my comfort or security?

My son has been under some pretty severe spiritual attack over the last few weeks.  He tells us that there are times when he feels a darkness closing in on him at night.  He is also struggling with some thoughts that he can't seem to clear out of his head.  As my wife and I began to try to fight this battle with him, my wife suggested we do a bible study with him while he does his evening treatment.  She suggested we go through 2 Corinthians together and see what God might have to tell us.  As we began our study a few days ago, I was reminded what God tells us about our trials and tribulations.

First of all, He tells us that we WILL have trials and tribulations.  There is no other way of stating this fact.  If I claim to be a Christ follower, and I seek after God with all that is within me, then I WILL face opposition through trials, afflictions and persecution.  Follow with me for a minute...I love movies like the Last Samurai, Braveheart, and Kingdom of Heaven where there is always one man so passionate about what he believes in that he is willing to risk his own life in order that "the cause" may be achieved.  As I watch those movies, I feel God trying ignite that kind of passion inside me.  God tells me, each time I watch one of those kinds of movies, that the causes these men were fighting for do not even compare to the cause of Christ.  If there were ever a cause to be that passionate about, God's sacrifice and love would be it.  In essence, God is telling me to fight my battles with the same passion and heart because He is more than worth it.

The good news about my trials is that I don't go through them alone.  2 Corinthians 1:4 tells me that "He comforts us in all our afflictions."  Whenever we go through tough times, we always ask God questions.  Why did this loved one die so suddenly?  Why did the doctor have to tell me that?  Where were you when this happened?  And so on and so on....  The good news is that God is big enough to hear our cries of pain and anguish because He is the God of comfort.  The thing I have come to realize is that if I don't use the pain, suffering, anguish, and tribulations that I've gone through to encourage someone else, then, I experienced those things for no reason.  For example, my son has Cystic Fibrosis.  Gelaina, my wife, and I have been through many trials and tribulation with him.  However, we have seen God use this horrible disease to bring Himself glory on so many occasions.  We have had the opportunity to be interviewed on TV and radio and share about how our faith, our family, our church, and our God have helped us through hard times.  We also pray on a daily basis that our son will be used in God-sized way to spread the gospel, because Myres has a platform that most people don't, he has CF.  God is using the pain and sorrow we have experienced over the years to encourage other CF families, nurses, doctors and many more.  Conversely, if we had decided that we would just wallow in our own self pity, we would have missed so many opportunities to share our faith.  I don't tell you that to shine the spotlight on me or my family, but I tell you that to encourage you to use the things you've been through to show someone else God's love and mercy.  The second half of 2 Corinthians 1:4 says, "...so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God."  Knowing that there is purpose behind pain makes it much easier to endure the daily battle...doesn't it?

Stop Making Excuses

There are times in my life where it seems like I am trying to find "excuses" for why I did or didn't do something.  It seems as though people are always asking me to do things, and, unfortunately, I have a problem saying no.  Then, I find my plate too full to do things things that I had promised.  What is the solution?  Well, I read through Haggai today and realized something, I'm not the only one who has this problem.

In Haggai, God's chosen people were dragging their feet on a command that God had given them, to rebuild His temple.  God decided to send the prophet Haggai to speak on His behalf.  His first message to them was to stop making excuses for not doing what God commanded.  His second message was to keep their focus on where it should be, God.  His final message was to encourage them and remind them what God had promised.

As I was thinking about the first message Haggai delivered (stop making excuses), I began to realize something.  I give God a lot of excuses.  God doesn't want our excuses, He wants our best.  Any excuse that I could possibly come up with for not doing something God wants me to do can only be described as selfish and foolish.  The Bible tells me that God wants the "first fruits" of my life.  Right now, I'm trying to get by on giving God my leftovers.  There are areas where I feel that I give Him my best, but the reality is, I can't compartmentalize my faith.  If I am not giving God my best in all areas of my life, then I am not giving God my best.

How do I give God my first fruits?  Haggai addressed that in his next message to God's people, by not losing our focus.  As I've said in the past, that is one of my biggest challenges. I have the tendency to not rely on God when things are going "well."  This is another one of Satan's deceptions.  He pulls the veil over my eyes and tells me that everything is okay, so I read my Bible less, I pray less and before I know it, I'm in over my head.  I am beginning to realize that I have a desperate need to study God's Word and be in His presence on a daily basis.  If I'm not, my spirit begins to starve, and I start down the slippery slope of becoming comfortable.  If I'm comfortable, then Satan has me right where he wants me.  We all need to have some level of discomfort in our lives.  Let me give you an analogy.  I LOVE Dr. Pepper; however, my doctor and bloodwork tell me that my body doesn't (isn't it great getting older?!?).   As I replaced all the Dr. Pepper I was drinking with water, my body started craving water more and more because it has been starved from it.  It's the same way, spiritually, when I study God's Word.  The more I study, the more my mind and spirit need to know.  For years, I tried to get by on the head knowledge that I had of the Bible.  Meanwhile, my spirit was being starved of the nutrients it needed...connection to God through His Word.  

What's the payoff?  Haggai's third message answers this for me.  God will fulfill His promises. In other words, He is trustworthy.  I can find rest in the fact that God can handle whatever I give Him.  Let's talk about it in practical terms.  The more that I am in God's Word, the more I understand what His promises are.  The more that I understand what His promises are, the more I can put into practice what He is teaching me.  The more I put into practice this knowledge God is teaching, the deeper my spiritual wisdom.  The deeper my spiritual wisdom, the more God can use me to achieve His purposes.  It is then that I am giving God my first fruits, and when I give that offering to God, I don't have to worry about making excuses!

I Hate Waiting

My wife and I love the movie, "The Princess Bride."  We quote it to each other more often that we'd like to admit, but that is where the title of this post comes from.  It's also because it is an unfortunate reality in my life.  I hate to wait for anything.  In this world of instant gratification, I am the lead dog at times.  We live in a world where information is just a click away.  Scores, highlights, important events, stock prices, fast food, headlines...you name it, we can find it or get it within 5 minutes or less.  Unfortunately, it has spilled over into my faith as well.  There was a time in my life when I looked for what a church could do for me, especially in college. If a church was having a lunch on Sunday for college students, I was there.  The part I struggle with now is that I want God to give me answers to my questions and prayers now.

Here is where I'm beginning to realize something.  God was teaching me something today that just hit me square between the eyes.  I read the first few chapters of Ezra (yep, Ezra) and God began to show me something.  First of all, for those that might need a refresher (I did), Ezra began by chronicling the Jews release from Babylon.  Cyrus issued a decree allowing them to return to their land and rebuild the temple.  The Jews had been in captivity for 60-70 years, just as Jeremiah had prophesied.  I don't know about you, but if I had been in captivity for 70 years, I would begin to doubt if I would ever get out, even if Jeremiah had said so.  Here is where God hit me with some reality...it's in the waiting where we learn the most.  Now, that may be a simple truth, but I'm beginning to try and unpack what that looks like in my life.  

First of all, what happens when I ask God for something?  I wait for a few seconds for a response and then move on.  Do I honestly think that giving God a few seconds at the end of my laundry list of requests allows Him to speak to me?  I almost think God wants us to work for our answers.  In the discomfort of waiting, that is when I need to seek Him all the more.  I need to seek solitude and silence to be able to hear from God.  At some point, I need to disconnect from my normal routine to allow God to have room to speak to me.  All to often I find that my schedule drives my day, and, unfortunately, I don't schedule God first, I try to fit Him in when I can.  Thankfully, that is beginning to change.  The more that I make my time with God a priority, the more I clearly hear His voice.  

The next thing that happens when I ask God for something is that I look for answers in everything.  If I hear a song, I wonder if God is trying to answer my prayer through it.  If I read a book, watch a movie, listen to a sermon, no matter what it is, I try to make that event the answer to my prayer.  Sometimes, God does use those mediums to speak to me, but the more I seek after Him, the more I begin to realize that God speaks to me through His Word more than anything else.  If He uses one of those other things, He always backs it up with His Word.  So, obviously, if I'm not in His Word, then I don't hear Him very clearly, if at all.  Gelaina and I both believe that distraction is one of the main tools that Satan uses to keep us from doing exactly what God wants us to do.  Satan doesn't play fair!  He distracts me by using the very same mediums.  He leads me to believe that God is telling me to do something, when the reality is the exact opposite.  As my Pastor, Steve, said on Sunday, we need to know what our Heavenly Father's voice sounds like.

The last thing that happens when I ask God for something is that as I begin to do what He tells me to do, I don't rely on Him to see it to completion.  Instead, I take the wheel and say, "I'll take it from here."  Things start going well and I begin to slowly think that I have things under control.  It's then, that God says, "alright, take your shot."  After which, I fail miserably and have to start the cycle over again...you'd think I'd learn by now.  However, I realize now, as I have begun to allow God to control every aspect of my life, it's so much easier to say, "God, you take it from here."  When I do, I realize that His response to me is, "I thought you'd never ask."

Seasons of Refreshing

I was reading through Acts 3 not too long ago and there was a phrase in there that struck a chord with me.  In verse 19, it says, "Therefore repent and turn back, that your sins may be wiped out so that seasons of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord."  I've probably heard or read that verse dozens of times, but this time, it pierced right through me.

In the past, I used to beat myself up quite a bit over any sin that I would commit.  I would be down on myself for an extended period of time (just ask my wife).  However, I began to realize that Satan was using my self-deprecation as a tactic to keep my focus away from what God wanted me to do.  I remember, a few years ago, Hester and I  read through a book called, "Deceived, Who Me?" by Craig Hill.  Here's how Hill summarizes the book, "Many times God's intentions for our lives are thwarted by the serpent in our own flesh raising up to deceive our mind, will and emotions, compelling us to walk in its ways and fulfill its plans."  Who among us hasn't fallen prey to this kind of attack?  I don't know about you, but I can think of numerous times when I've been attack in all 3 of those areas (mind, will and emotions).  How can I be on guard for this kind of attack...by not losing my focus.  I have to be intentional with how I live my life.  I have to prepare myself for the battle.  If I'm not armed with God's Word in my heart when I wake up to face the day, I'll be fighting an uphill battle, which I won't win very often (if at all).

Looking back at Acts 3:19...I love the phrase "season of refreshing."  What a beautiful picture that paints!  The process of renewal after repentance can be a hard one at times.  It's almost like you take baby steps forward or maybe it feels like 2 steps forward, but 1 step back.  However, it doesn't have to be this way.  This verse reminds me that the reason I take any step backward is because my focus is on the situation around me and not on the One who can see me through it.  It's very much like Peter when he begins to sink after walking on water!  He lost what his focal point was supposed to be, Jesus.  There's a praise and worship song called "Consuming Fire" written by Tim Hughes and some of the lyrics are very poignant in my battle against the adversary.  Here are the lyrics:

There must be more than this, O breath of God come breathe within
There must be more than this, Spirit of God we wait for You
Fill us anew we pray, fill us anew we pray


Consuming Fire fan into flame a passion for Your name
Spirit of God fall in this place, Lord have Your way, Lord have Your way with us


Come like a rushing wind, clothe us with power from on high
Now set the captives free, leave us abandoned to Your praise
Lord let Your glory fall, Lord let Your glory fall.

When I hear these lyrics, and I see the battle I'm in with my adversary, I realize that God wants me to understand something.  He is waiting on me to ask Him to come in (come like a rushing wind) and repair my heart (clothe us with power from on high) and free me (now set the captives free) from the chains that are binding me.  When He does free me, I can give Him all the glory (leave us abandoned to Your praise) for rescuing me. The best news that I can share is that I am not in this fight alone.  As a matter of fact, I know that outcome of every battle as long as I don't lose my focus.

So, when I read this verse, it makes me want to try to find everything in my life that I need to repent of.  Why you ask?  This verse tells me that not only will there be seasons of refreshing, but they come from the presence of the Lord, and who doesn't want to be in the presence of the Lord!

True Worship and Guarding Your Inputs

I have found recently that my wife and I have had several conversations with our son about why we don't let him watch certain shows or play certain video games that his friends get to watch or play.  The simple answer is that inputs (music, TV, movies, video games, etc.) into your life matter.  What you watch, play, hear, etc. impacts your life and your walk with the Lord.

I realized that about myself around junior high or high school.  Music is a vital aspect of my life and I began to realize that what I listened to affected my attitude and the things I did.  When I went to college, I was introduced to praise and worship music.  I began to listen to the music and watch how people were worshipping.  This experience began to whet my appetite for more of this type of experience.  It was then that I began to understand that this avenue of worship was the best way for me to connect with my Creator.  I began to learn to play guitar soon thereafter and taught myself to play in my dorm room.  I was relatively music minded, so I thought that I could learn to play these songs that I heard on my own.  I began to lead worship in small youth group settings, and the more I did, the more I realized that I wanted more of those experiences.  I became a worship addict I guess you could say.  However, those experiences were very hollow because my heart was not where it needed to be.

Let me give you a little background...I grew up in a typical Southern Baptist Church.  Experiential worship was something that was foreign to me.  I don't remember seeing people lifting their hands, falling on their knees in worship, or even closing their eyes.  Now, there was nothing wrong with how my church "did" worship, it was just different.  As I begin to experience different avenues of how to worship, I began to realize that I wanted something more than what I was used to.

So, as I began this journey, I thought that playing and singing the music I was hearing was the answer.  It wasn't until I met and married my wife that I truly began to see and understand what "true" worship was.  When I watch my wife worship, she truly connects with God.  If you read my first post, you'll know that she was instrumental in making me what I am today.  My wife comes into worship expecting to have an encounter with God.  I would come into worship hoping that God would show up and that I might get a taste of His presence.  And, as I began to peel the ugly layers of junk away in my life, I began to see and understand how to truly worship.  I started to understand that my talents (what little there may be) are not what God was seeking after.  He didn't want my ability to sing or play...He wanted an empty vessel.  I realized that there is nothing of value that I can give God.  As I came to that realization, I felt as though I caught a glimpse of heaven and what an eternity of praising God might look like.

What are the keys to experiencing this type of worship?  I don't know if I can quantify them into any kind of steps or procedure, especially since I am continuing down this path, too.  The older I get, the more I realize that my spiritual journey is not a set of lists and steps in order to hopefully experience God in a new way.  Instead, it's more of a tearing down process.  The more I die to myself and release my dreams and aspirations, the more room there is for God to fill me up with His dreams and aspirations.  Each time I have an encounter with God, He points out aspects of my life that aren't truly His.  Isn't that what we are seeking after anyway?  People are always saying that they want to know God's will is, or they want to just hear a word from God.  The reality is that God speaks to us, you just may not like what He has to say.  Because, in my life, when God speaks, it's often another aspect of my life that needs to be refined.  Therefore, I choose to embrace this refining process, because it means I'm one step closer to being what God wants me to be...empty of myself.  

My Faith Journey

I grew up with amazing, God fearing parents.  They both have an incredible knowledge of the Bible to the point that it would probably put a lot of pastors to shame.  I remember asking Jesus to be my Savior on April 30, 1984 at a revival at my church.  I was baptized a few weeks later with my sister on May 20, 1984.  This is where my faith journey begins. 

It wasn't until high school that I had to make my faith my own.  It was in high school that I began my lifelong battle of wanting other people's acceptance.  I struggled with this issue in elementary school, too (I had gigantic glasses as a kid), but it wasn't until high school that it became a huge hurdle.  Going from a class of 12 in elementary school to a class of over 500 and a school of over 2200 was a bit of an adjustment.  Thankfully, God protected me from making any horrible decisions (no sex, drugs or alcohol, etc.).  However, I did struggle to find my identity.  Most of that changed the summer of my sophomore year.  I met a group of guys from a youth group in my hometown that loved me for me.  It was this group of guys that helped me make it through high school.  None of them actually went to my high school, but the encouragement and love they gave me when I went to church gave me the confidence to face whatever challenges faced me at school.

I decided to attend Samford University after high school.  Samford is a private Christian college in Birmingham, AL.  The 4 years at Samford were life changing in many ways.  I was faced with the challenge of making new friends again (I only knew 3 or 4 people when I went there).  However, one of the guys from the youth group was going with me, so I felt like I had a head start since he and I were going to be roommates.  Again, through God's grace I found my niche within the first few weeks I was there.  I tried out for and was accepted into the BSU Choir.  This was a student led/run choir of 100 people.  After joining choir, I was surrounded by people who loved the Lord and wanted to see His name lifted up.  They also loved and valued me for what I was and not for anything else.  

While at Samford, I met the love of my life.  During my sophomore year, I remember seeing this girl walk across campus (she still doesn't quite believe me).  I thought to myself that I would like to know who she is.  As luck would have it, she tried out for choir that year and made it.  In the fall, after we had gotten back from a weekend tour with the choir, I walked up to her on campus and asked her if she wanted to get married.  She said, "sure," and the rest is history.  We were married about 2 1/2 years later.

My faith journey definitely changed after college.  Another one of my lifelong battles that I came face to face with was my own selfishness.  After Gelaina and I were married, I began the journey of trying to become selfless.  It became even more of a reality when we began to have kids.  Unfortunately for Gelaina and our kids, I was very unsuccessful in fighting this battle for the first 8 or 9 years of our marriage.  Gelaina had the patience of Job with me.  I was so self consumed that I don't know how she put up with me.  But, by the grace of God, she endured.  I thank God every day that she is still with me. My goal, everyday, is to try to figure out the best way to love her that day.

Our first child was born March 16 of 2000.  4 months later our world was changed forever.  Our son was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis July 4th weekend of 2000.  This began another lifelong struggle for me and my wife.  We went through all the stages of grief and landed on the fact that God loves our son more than we ever could.  We had to choose one of two ways of handling this situation.  1) We could feel sorry for ourselves and just wallow in our own self pity; or 2) we could trust that Almighty God wants to use this in some way to bring God the most glory.  Through much prayer, we opted for choice 2.  We realized that all children are gifts, and we are humbled to think that God would consider us worthy enough to take care of this precious child, His creation.  The challenge we face everyday is to be Abraham as he lays Isaac on the altar to sacrifice him...that is the mental image God gave Gelaina and me when he was diagnosed.  Every day, we need to lay him at the altar and trust that God has it all under control...easier said than done, unfortunately.

About 6 or 7 years ago, I began to look at my life and realized that I was not who I thought I was.  I was an awful husband, awful father, and a shell of a "Christian."  Other than my wife, I didn't have anyone close to me that was pushing me further in my faith.  Our church had just started small groups and I approached someone towards the end of our study and asked if he wanted to be accountability partners.  I didn't know him very well, but I just felt like God was leading me to ask him.  Jason said that it sounded like a good idea, and our journey began. 

If it weren't for my wife and Jason Hester (accountability partner), I would not be where I am today.  Through the course of the last 6 or 7 years, God used the two of them to break down a lot of strongholds in my life.  The first hammer strike to the chisel was reading John Eldridge's "Wild at Heart."  That began the process of understand who I am and how God sees me.  I came to realize how Satan uses deception and half truths to discourage me from realizing that I am a child of the King.  And, although I will fail at times, God still sees me as forgiven and loved.  The reason I titled this blog "The Unsatisfied Worshipper" was because I have come to a point in my faith where I am never satisfied with where I am.  I firmly believe that if you are comfortable with where you are in your journey of faith, then your enemy has you right where he wants you.  We need to hold fast to our sense of wonder about God.  I figure that, if the Apostle Paul never felt like he had "arrived" in his faith, then who am I to think that I have it figured out.  I finally realized that I am not the title role in this movie, God was here before me, He's here now, and He will be here long after I'm gone.  I continue to pray that God will make less of me, so that everyone will see what this life is all about...bringing God the most glory possible.