Deep Calls Out to Deep: I Choose Hope

First of all, let me start by saying that adoption is difficult.  We adopted 2 boys from Ukraine last year, and it has been very difficult on our family.  Integrating them into our family has been more of a challenge than we expected.  We were a happy couple with 3 beautiful kids, when God began to insert the idea of adoption in our minds.  When we finally submitted to the idea of expanding our family, God made it clear who we were supposed to adopt.  Honestly, that's the hard part about all of this...we knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that God chose these boys to be a part of our family.  The last 9 months have been filled with many battles and have left all of us scarred and licking our wounds trying to figure out where the dust is going to settle (assuming that it does settle).  

I knew that God would teach me lessons through this adoption.  I also knew that many of those lessons would be about myself, but sometimes I feel the "lessons" are causing my family to fall apart.  In those moments, I beg God to spare my family and let me carry the burden.  However, I begin to realize that God is trying to teach each member of my family a lesson.  I plead with God to make the lessons easy and as pain-free as possible.  No one wants to see their wife and their children struggle, and fight, and fail, and doubt God in their own lives.  

Then, the questions come.  How do I set the example when I don't feel like fighting this battle anymore?  How can I encourage my family to keep fighting when I'm exhausted and beat up?  When can we have some relief?  How do you love someone who keeps pushing you away?  How do you teach morals and values to someone who doesn't care?  How do you instill self respect and honor to someone who believes they are now entitled to whatever they want?  How do you teach humility to someone who believes they have received life's golden ticket?  God usually doesn't give a specific answer in this regard.  His response is usually "exactly" or "now you're getting it."  In other words, God wants me to keep asking the questions, but I WANT ANSWERS!!  So, what do you do when you feel like God isn't giving you the answers you want?  How do you cope with the circumstances you are in?  I said "yes" to something difficult that God wanted my family to do and He has us here...why?  Unfortunately, my first instinct is to try and fix it myself, which fails miserably.  Finally, I turn to where He wanted me in the first place...Scripture. 

Yesterday, I had a song lyric in my head from Bethel Music that says, "deep cries out to You Jesus."  As I searched the Scripture to see where it came from, and why God put it in my head, I was lead to Psalm 42.  It was quite obvious why God led me to that Scripture considering my current circumstances.  This Psalm is a Maskil, which means a pslam of instruction.  In this particular Psalm, the author is quite depressed.  In verse 3, he states that "my tears have been my food day and night, while all day long people say to me, 'Where is your God?'"  He actually says that he is depressed in verses 5, 6 and 11.  Then comes verse 7, "Deep calls to deep in the roar of Your waterfalls; all Your breakers and Your billows have swept over me."  In context of this Psalm, I believe this verse is painting a picture of how overwhelmed he is with the trials that have come his way.  God has allowed these things to happen, and the Psalmist feels consumed by the waves.  For me, this verse has a deeper meaning.  The phrase "deep calls to deep" has been chasing me for a while now.  

There are times when my soul feels dried up and thirsty.  Usually this happens because I have become lackadaisical with my faith.  I put the cruise control on and stop my pursuit of a fresh word from God.  The amazing thing is that God continues His pursuit of me!  He plants thoughts in my mind through songs or sermons that keep haunting me until I pursue an answer.  "Deep calls to deep" reminds me of Luke 19:40, where Jesus states, "I tell you, if they were to keep silent, the stones would cry out."  This verse reminds us that creation speaks the praises of the Creator.  Then God reminded me, I am His creation as well.  The depth of my soul is crying out for the depth of His goodness, the depth of His righteousness, the depth of His faithfulness.  I have to choose to praise Him, just as the Psalmist did in chapter 42.  Remember, this is a Psalm of instruction, so God is giving us an example of what to do when we are depressed or overwhelmed by our circumstances.  The summation of chapter 42 comes in the last part of the last verse of the chapter, "Put your hope in God, for I will still praise Him, my Savior and my God."  Yes, God has my family in the throes of a difficult season.  Yes, I am losing battles because I keep losing focus.  Yes, the task before my wife and myself is great as we try and help rescue 2 souls from utter darkness.  Yes, my family will take a beating through this process.  Yes, I will question whether God cares and if He's even there.  But...the depth of my soul will continue to cry out for the depth of God's infinite love and mercy, and it is there where my soul will find hope and rest.  I have to choose to praise Him, whether I feel like it or not. 

I leave you with the lyrics from a song that I have loved ever since it came out.  It has become my anthem right now...


"Broken Hallelujah" by The Afters


Verse 1
I can barely stand right now.
Everything is crashing down,
And I wonder where You are.

Verse 2
I try to find the words to pray.
I don't always know what to say,
But You're the one that can hear my heart.

Pre-chorus
Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

Chorus
I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.
With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

Verse 3
You know the things that have brought me here
You know the story of every tear.
‘Cause You've been here from the very start

Bridge
When all is taken away, don't let my heart be changed.
Let me always sing Hallelujah
When I feel afraid, don't let my hope be erased
Let me always sing Hallelujah.
Let me always sing Hallelujah.